I don’t want to be at war with my body

I’ve had a stressful few weeks with annual physicals. When I was younger it was a much simpler process. Annual exam at the obgyn, blood work, and that was it. Now that I’m 45 I also have the joy of a mammogram. Which found a lump – likely a cyst, but it will need follow up tests in six months. And last year I developed nodules on my thyroid, which, while benign, need to be monitored closely.

So the annual trip to the doctor has turned into 2 months of tests and stress. Which has now been compounded because the nodule grew, and so I needed another biopsy of it, just to ensure it hadn’t changed. But I just found out that they didn’t get enough sample, so I’ll likely need another biopsy. And thyroid biopsies aren’t without pain and discomfort. I see the endocrinologist next week, so I guess then I’ll get more information. The added complication is that in mid September we’re leaving Spain until the new year, so I don’t have much time to handle whatever needs to be handled.

So, it’s been a week.

When I haven’t been stressing about how I’m going to get everything done, I have been mad at my body for growing weird lumps and bumps. It’s just one more example of how I feel like I’m in a constant struggle with my body. And I’m exhausted by this struggle. Because the fact is, I’m not going to win it. I depend on my body way more than my body depends on me. My body is just flesh, muscle, bones, and fat. It doesn’t really care whether it keeps going or not. It’s my brain and my soul that depend on my body to power them through life. So the part of me who is depending on the body has way less leverage, and much more at stake, than the body part.

This clearly is an untenable situation. I’ve been in a cold war with my body since I was a teenager. There have been moments of glorious harmony where I’ve felt at one with my body, strong and fierce. But those moments have been fleeting, and far fewer than I’d like.

There have been times where I’ve really cared for my body like it was a precious jewel that needed to be handled with care. But then my body got all weirded out about that, and wanted to eat chocolate instead.

So here we are, with me angry at my body because it grows weird bumps inside of it, and those bumps carrying with them the possibility of ending my time hanging out here on earth.

I’m sick of being at war with my body.

I’m not sure what it would look like to finally be at peace with it, and work in partnership. Thinking about how one ends conflicts, it seems as if the first key is listening, and acknowledging what has been done in the past. So I suppose that would look like me, listening to my body, and clearing up the fact that I haven’t always treated it well, and I haven’t always made the best choices for it.

Also acknowledging that we need each other, and we need to look out for each other. My body needs me to put good food in it, to take it to the doctor, to exercise it, and to keep the cortisol and stress hormones low. And I need my body to be strong, fit, and healthy so that I can live a long life, and have as much laughter and music and love as possible.

We need to work in partnership with each other. And I have no idea what that looks like in practice. I suspect a lot of it has to do with self love and compassion, which is something I struggle with. I think it also looks like going inwards and connecting with my higher self, and my spirit guides, who know exactly what I need, and how to get it.

So starting this week I’m declaring a cease fire on my body. I’m going to start the peace negotiations. It’s going to be messy, and we’ll likely mess up a lot, but I’m going to stop this battle, and begin a loving partnership with my body.

And I’m probably going to continue to stress about my thyroid, but I’ve found that keeping busy keeps my mind off of it, and fortunately I have enough to keep me busy for now!