Writing about Weight – #45by45

So I stepped on the scale this morning. And my friends, it wasn’t pretty. About two years ago I put on some winter weight, of about 15 pounds, and it never came off, and now it has an additional five pounds on top of it. This, on top of the 60-ish I should lose.

I’ve written a lot about weight on other blogs, but I figure that since this is becoming my new home on the internet, I’ll bring that conversation over here. Because it is the biggest mountain that I need to climb.

I have always struggled with my weight. I was an athlete when I was younger (competitive skating) and so I was able to keep it in check, but after I stopped doing that, the bat habits I had formed took over with nothing in their way. I went on my first diet when I was 13. The summer between 7th and 8th grade I lost about 20 pounds, and I became very health conscious in high school. I worked out, I ran, I played sports, and I ate a lot of salad.

My first year in college I gained the Freshman 15 plus another 15 because I don’t do things by halves. I lost it the summer in between freshman and sophomore year, and for another couple of years I kept it mostly off, but it came creeping back, slowly, until I was over 200 pounds when I was 26.

Since then I haven’t been below 200 pounds. I’ve gone on diets, lost some weight – particularly ten years ago when I was doing fertility treatments. I’ve been paying for both WeightWatchers and LoseIt Pro for the past five years. And nothing has stuck. And I could blame my metabolism, or blame my situation, or whatever, but it’s all lame crap because other people way busier than me manage to lose weight and keep it off.

There’s a saying I hear a lot that energy flows where attention goes. That works with money/abundance (if you focus only on the lack, that’s the experience you have and you wind up with more lack), but it also works for anything else, including fitness. When I’m paying attention to my diet, logging things on the WW app, concentrating on being mindful with my food, I lose weight. But keeping that level of attention has always been my struggle. I lose track for just a few days, and I’ve gained five pounds. Then I feel awful, and I eat to comfort myself, and I’ve suddenly gained five more. And before you know it, I’m in the awful spiral of gaining weight, and losing confidence.

Today I hit a high that I haven’t been at since I was pregnant. And this is not okay with me. I turn 45 in about 22 weeks. I’m not sure that losing 45 pounds by then is possible, but it’s a goal I’m going to work towards, because that would put me at a milestone I haven’t been at since I was 24. Project #45by45 begins today.

Being this big is not okay with me. There is absolutely no part of me who thinks this is acceptable. And yet I haven’t changed. Well, that’s going to end today. My spirit is bigger than this. Stay tuned…